Being in South Carolina has made me think a lot. There isn’t really a lot to do, except relax. Not that I’m complaining about that. But when you’re lying on a boat, on a beach, or anywhere for that matter, you’re mind just kind of runs wild. It thinks about everything. I’ve just been thinking about how I’ve changed. At first it was harder to resist things like going to parties and drinking, cursing, stuff like that. The longer I go without it, the easier it gets. I don’t really think about going out to parties and drinking any more. I mean, I can still go to parties and have fun. But that doesn’t mean I have to drink. I can have just as much fun hanging out with friends sober. And I’ll remember it the next morning. I notice people cursing a lot more now, or when people say “God” about something, instead of “Gosh”. It shouldn’t bother me I guess. I just wish people would see things the way I’m starting to. People don’t realize what good they can do, even if it’s just for themselves. I feel so much better about myself now that I have started believing in Jesus. I feel like I have more of a purpose. Maybe it isn’t necessarily to preach to people about God and the bible, but to help them live a better life. I want to become involved with some sort of organization for teens. I want to help them see how good of a person they can be. That they don’t have to do what everyone else wants them to. They can be there own person and love themselves for it. I’m really glad that I’ve followed through with this over summer. I’m really bummed about me losing weight though. I feel like I should be able to, I mean I know I can accomplish goals, and stick to things (like I have been with Jesus), but I feel like I just don’t have the willpower to actually follow through with it for a reasonable amount of time. I just need to get motivated, and stop procrastinating. Every time I go to the grocery store, I buy healthy food. Fruit and juice and things. I’m always motivated at the grocery store. Once I get home, is a different story. I always say “Tomorrow I’ll start.” Or “This wont make a difference.” I just need to do it. I’m going to be hungry sometimes, that’s going to have to be okay. I’ll learn to deal with it, just like I did with the cursing and drinking. Like I said before, at first it’s hard to resist temptation; you get stronger as time goes on. It’s not that I feel really badly about the way I look, I just feel like I would feel so much better if I lost some weight, especially with cheerleading.
I started shooting again while I’ve been up here. In color though, not black and white. I’m not sure I like it. I feel like everything is so much more artistic and simple in black and white. Things that seem confusing and cluttered in color, always seem more simple and elegant in black and white. I’ll see how they come out once I get them developed, then Ill make up my mind.
Aaron is back in town from Georgia. He’s home until he gets deployed. Hopefully that will never happen. I don’t really know why, but lately I’ve just been longing to be in love. After Jerod and I stopped dating, I was fine with being single. Actually, I kind of liked it better. I’m not really sure why all of a sudden I feel like this, but it’s really strong. I need to stop putting things under a microscope, looking at things so harshly. I need to go with the flow of things, and just give my emotions time to see how they feel about people. I always try and make sure the other person is happy when I like someone, I don’t even realize that I’m not happy. I need to be happy. Until I can do that, I think love is a little far away.
Anyway, it’s getting late. I’m going to sleep.
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ninaethridge's journal
ecstatic
blank
irritated
tired
nauseated
contemplative